


sometimes the stars align

by orphan_account



Series: i write this because i want to [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, angst? fluff? idk really, johndo are young and stupidly in love i guess, strangers to something more au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:53:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26244472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Doyoung didn't have anyone to talk to. So he decided to scan a random QR code.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: i write this because i want to [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937356
Comments: 35
Kudos: 122





	1. homesickness isn't a part of solitude

**Author's Note:**

> title is an excerpt from a book entitled “non friction” by morgan parker:  
>  _“I think sometimes the stars align whether we want them to or not. And we're drawn to certain people and places for no other reason than...Destiny.”_
> 
> cliches. let’s write more cliches for johndo!!!! *squeals*

Solitude was something that Doyoung had always enjoyed but homesickness wasn't. It was a new, different type of loneliness that he had never known before he stepped his foot in a country that wasn’t his own.

Around two months into his new life as an international student, the university counsellor had told him that it was normal to be experiencing homesickness as the excitement of starting university began to wear off. It was then suggested that he begin making friends, which he found difficult. Making acquaintances was not easy, let alone  _ friends _ . To him, the American university life was a completely different scene compared to when he was in high school in Seoul. Not that he knew if a Korean university life would have been the same. 

Every day, he hoped to confide his longing for home to his family but it was already a big struggle to find the best time to talk to each other because of the ridiculous time difference. On top of that, he did not want to worry his mom even further.  _ “I’m doing fine, mom.” _ he would say during weekly video calls, with a smile he had practiced in the mirror before swiping the green phone symbol. When really, he wasn’t.

So when he saw a printed note on a square art paper taped on a random bench somewhere in his university that read:

_ “hi there, i hope you are okay! but if you feel like you need someone to talk to, scan this QR code. i promise i'm not scary ☻” _

Doyoung was immediately sold on the idea. The note looked fine, and even better, the barcode plastered under it was a KakaoTalk QR code. A sense of home and familiarity. Plus, he really just wanted someone to talk and vent to.

He pulled out his phone to scan it, which led him to a user with a black and white picture of what looked like a sunflower as the profile photo. 

“hi”

Doyoung regretted it as soon as his thumb pressed send; however, as much as he wished to unsend it, it was too late. According to his phone screen, the recipient had already read his message.

Putting his phone face-down beside him, he bent his slender body forward in his seat and put his head on top of his knees. His arms dangled from his shoulders, touching the ground which was fully covered in yellow and brown fallen leaves. The chilly wind-breeze caressing the back of his neck served him a gentle reminder that it's a little colder in Chicago than back home. 

He closed his eyes and groaned quietly at himself, mocking his own gullibility in his recent action on the messaging app. But, the text was already sent and seen. There was nothing he could do about it.

Then a message came in. It's from the stranger.

_ “hi! i assume you came from the QR code?” _

Ah. Had this person done this often? He wondered.

_ “yeah. sorry. if i bother you.”  _ Doyoung replied.

_ “haha! no, you are not bothering me at all. feel free to talk to me. as i said, i'm not scary! well, a not-scary person wouldn't need to say that but just in case you have doubts, i really am not scary 😄” _

Oh. Doyoung did not know if he should be alert or happy by the length of message that the stranger had just sent. Although, he had to admit that the smiling emoji at the end managed to put him into a smile. 

_ “thank you” _

_ “no worries at all! you can call me J. how should i call you?” _

J could be for so many things, right? That could be Jo Insung, Jung Yunho, Jessica, Julia, Julian, Jason, Josephine, James, Jane, Joanne or Jonathan. Endless possibilities. And how should Doyoung be called? He looked up to the sky to find some answer.

_ “you can call me DY. i just wanted to talk to someone, that's why i said hi. again, sorry if i am a bother.” _

_ “as i said, DY, you're not. are you feeling okay? anything you wanna talk about?” _

_ “not okay. but like, i don't know what i want to talk about. sorry, J.” _

Sometimes, people have so many things to talk about that they don’t know what to talk about.

_ “DY, why do you keep saying sorry? that's fine! do you like anything? music, movies, books? we can talk about them. tomorrow. i’m a bit caught up with things rn” _

_ “i like music.” _

_ “nice! how about sharing music that would describe each of your days with me from tomorrow on?” _

_ “i think i'd like that. thank you, J. talk to you tomorrow.” _

He questioned why he did what he had just done; when he was a kid, his mom would never fail to warn him to not talk to strangers. _Strangers are mean and lead to bad things._ _Strangers are mean and lead to bad things._ He would chant this on his way to and from school. Kid Doyoung listened to his mom. Adult Doyoung didn’t.

But that wasn’t his fault; his mom had probably forgotten to warn him before he left home. And also, his mom didn’t warn him how lonely and heart-wrenching it could be to be living fourteen hours away from them. All alone. Stripped off of the warmth and the comfort of home.

And, somehow, talking to J, the faceless stranger, just. . . felt. . . 

Right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wouldn’t be as gullible as doyoung here in real life. i would _never_ let myself be known to strangers 😆


	2. in between sleepless nights

_Is this the cost of growing up?_

Doyoung thought, lying wide awake in the middle of the darkness of his room. A single room in a huge international student accommodation offered by his university. It was a beautiful building that had ever flamed the excitement in him. Once. Only when he first arrived. And then the flame never came back. In fact, he had grown to despise the housing, so much that even seeing the top of it from afar stirred the insides of his stomach.

That night was just like the many nights before; he was unable to sleep. His mind wandered back to his own bedroom at home, situated between his brother’s and his parents’. The room painted in yellow that had long faded to almost white, the wooden floor that felt warm against his bare shuffling feet, the family photo sitting on his study desk and the collage of his childhood photos next to it, some silly high school pictures he took in random photo booths scatterred on his bookshelf, framed certificates and medals of achievements hanging around the room, the bed that he never forgot to make as soon as he woke up and some plushies that he never really touched.

He remembered the smell, most of the time it was bergamot that never failed to lift up his mood, sometimes lavender when his mom begged and insisted, or vanilla on weekends when he and his mom chose to stay home to bake. The whole house smelled like comfort. Unlike his current room. No matter how much he had spent on buying fragrances, money just could never buy the smell of home.

Doyoung kicked his blanket and sat up, reaching his phone from the small desk beside the bed. His hand went straight to check the world clock to see what time it was in Seoul. 1 PM, it said. His parents must be at work. His brother must be too. As much as he wanted to call, he was not selfish enough to bother them. And then he checked the calendar, _how long until the end of the academic year so he can fly back home?_ Still too many days left. He slammed his phone on the bed. It bounced back, he didn’t care. He brought his head to his hands and gripped the top of it. Hard.

 _And why is this room so quiet?_ He missed hearing the sounds of his mom’s footsteps coming in to remind him of meal times, his dad’s laughters when he watched TV with his mom in the family room, their funny banters every morning debating about some random plants growing in the corner of the house, his brother’s annoying and noisy phone calls with his girlfriend. _Why is noone calling my name?_ He missed hearing his name being shouted by his family. He missed all of that. He missed all of them. 

There was a lump in his throat as he moved himself towards the corner of his bed. Placing his forehead against the walls, he folded his legs close to his chest and circled his knees with his arms. Cornered and trapped by gigantic blocks of cold walls. He wanted to be home. Not there. Thrown away in the middle of Chicago, isolated and suffocated in a small room, far from everything that he had grown to be familiar with. 

_Why didn’t anyone warn me? Why did they let me go? Why did they drive me to that airport? Why did they kiss and hug me goodbye? Why didn’t they stop me from boarding the plane? Why, mom, dad, hyung? Why?!_ He grabbed two full fists of his own hair and started screaming. But no sound came out. He was gasping for air. _Please, I want to go home. Please, please, just take me home,_ he begged to himself as his palms began slapping the silent wall.

Then he stopped. A KakaoTalk message tone. His hand rummaged on the bed to search for his phone. With shallow breaths and a shaking hand, he unlocked it.

From J, the faceless stranger, the one who somehow had become a tiny part of his lonely life for the last few days with the usual question: _what song is today, DY?_

Doyoung opened the text.

_“hi. you okay? ah you must be sleeping. sorry for texting so late. a bit busy with some stuff today”_

Doyoung held his phone close to his chest, wondering if he should let his emotions out to this stranger or if he should just keep everything bottled up. For a moment, he thought of the first option, J didn’t know him anyway. Doyoung wouldn’t be embarrassed about anything because J wouldn’t care. Wasn’t that his first intention when he scanned the code? To have someone to vent to? Why hadn’t he used the chance? But another part of him opposed, wouldn’t that be unfair for the stranger to have to listen to his useless outbursts of emotions? J didn’t need to know what he was going through. That person didn’t deserve it. 

_“hi. no. i’m not sleeping yet. that’s okay. don’t say sorry.”_

He settled with that. He wondered if he was making any sense. Why was he even talking to a stranger in the first place?

_“cool cool cool. what song describes your day today?”_

_“not just one. i have a few.”_

_“that’s even better, DY! care to share?”_

Doyoung’ chest tightened as he choked on his own breathing. He let himself lie down and began recalling the songs that were playing in his head. 

_“mother and father - broods and caffeine - thomston”_

Then the stranger stopped replying. Doyoung played the songs and put his phone on his chest. He started laughing. _Why is life so funny?_ _Why did he do what he did a year ago?_ He suddenly remembered a boy named Nakamoto Yuta. “You wouldn’t know how I feel unless you feel it yourself.” The boy, Yuta, had once said one rainy afternoon.

_“just finished listening to the songs. you sure you’re okay, DY?”_

_“yeah you’re right. i am not ok”_

_“if you want to talk (or more like, type), i’m here to listen (or more like.... read) 😄”_

_“thanks, j”_

_“you said you have a few. that was only two tho. any other song?”_

_“yeah, but it’s in korean”_

_“gosh! that’s a lot better. i am korean, DY!”_

_Oh. This person is Korean._ Doyoung gulped, not knowing the exact reason why but he could feel his heart beginning to calm down. He took a deep breath. Finally. Someone who spoke the same language as him. 

_“glad to know you’re korean. and the other song, it’s home is far away - epik high”_

_“EPIK HIGH?! you kidding?!”_

_“??”_

_“i fucking love them!!! and that song!!! that was my go to song when i first started moving out of my parents house and just felt really, super homesick. lol that was super dark, that time”_

_Oh_. Doyoung lied still. 

_“you still there? did i freak you out? lol sorry i was too excited”_

_“yeah, i’m still here. that’s me now. i don’t think i can do this. i miss home so much. i want to go home. to seoul”_

Doyoung finally let go and sent the text, thinking back to the days when he browsed plane tickets from Chicago to Seoul, to the days when he went on student forums asking how to drop out from college, to the days when he left his room in the middle of the night to sit alone in a park just to let himself cry. 

_"please hang in there. don't give up. i can help if you let me? you'll be okay. it will all be okay soon, dy"_

_Who are you?_ _Why does it feel so right to talk to you?_ Doyoung thought as he stared at the dark ceiling in his dark room; his breathing started to become better. His heart beats started to even out.

That night, through words typed in mixed Korean and American English, Doyoung let himself be understood. 

And that night, for the first time after his countless sleepless nights, Doyoung realized he had never asked the stranger back. 

So he tried.

_"thank you. you keep saying that, i'll be okay, it’ll be okay etc. how about you, j? are you okay yourself?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how this fic looks like now.....  
> but, the songs that this doyoung listened to..... yeah...... good songs


	3. i saw you

_“How did you--”_ Doyoung stopped typing, struggling to find the correct word that would best represent his intention, “ _defeat your homesickness?”_

That was around the third month of living in Chicago; he sent that question to J as soon as he got his mid term exams results. Seeing how bad he performed in his studies was enough to wake him up from his own negative bubbles. He decided that he needed to change. His mind was always so clouded with the thoughts of home that focusing on his lectures or assignments became difficult. And the last thing he wanted to do in his life was to disappoint his parents. 

_“I never defeat it.”_ J replied, _“At first, I was trying to fight it. But the more I denied it, the more I felt homesick. So, I kinda just acknowledged it instead. I kept saying to myself that it’s okay to feel homesick and bla bla bla. And then I just kept sending myself out there to meet people instead of being in my room? Guess now I’m comfortable living on my own. You can try that too, DY. I came to learn that feelings are meant to be accepted instead of defeated.”_

Doyoung tried. He deleted Seoul from his world clock. He stopped checking his family’s KakaoTalk profiles every minute. He started going to libraries and coffee shops to finish his papers. He tried joining a student club. And he was able to gain himself a new friend. Just one. Two in total if J was included. Although he still occasionally found himself missing home and family, he no longer slammed cold walls in the middle of the night. He felt okay, not that good yet. Just okay. And, sometimes, just okay was enough. He accepted that.

-

There he was. Almost reaching finals. Walking in his white sneakers. Dressed in his favorite baby blue hoodie and black jeans. Backpack drooped from one of his shoulders and white earphones cables swayed from his ears. He spent all his morning trying to make his essays perfect so that he completely forgot he had a morning class. It was his group’s turn to present too. Perfect.

He began to march against the cold while his phone kept vibrating in his jeans. He pulled it out to reply to the messages sent by his peers, telling them to calm down and that he was on the way. As his eyes were glued on his phone, he fastened the pace of his steps so he could reach the campus faster. 

“Fuck off, man! Can’t you use your damn eyes when you walk?”

Doyoung slipped off the snow-covered pavement. _Jesus. Why are people so rude? It’s just a cup of coffee._ Doyoung grumbled inside his head.

“Sorry, Sir.” He said without sparing a look at the angry man who went on and on about his spilled coffee. As he was trying to reach his backpack and phone, he heard someone say that they would replace the man’s coffee and pleaded that he stop making such a ruckus in front of the cafe. Doyoung didn’t care. His eyes were on his hoodie, which was drenched in black coffee stains. His face felt a little burnt from the splashes of the hot liquid. _How can I go to class like this?!_ He sighed at himself and cursed under his breath.

As he was about to get up, he saw a pair of worn black Converse shoes approaching him. And a denim jacket handed to his face by a long arm clothed in a black hoodie.

“You can wear this. It’s mine. There’s no way you’re wearing that to wherever you’re going.” A boy’s voice. Speaking in Korean. Doyoung was caught off guard. He looked up to see a smiling face. Red full lips with corners slightly tilted upwards, heart-shaped cupid bow, well-defined jawline, a roman shaped nose, and brown almond eyes with full eyebrows. His hair was dark brown, parted in the middle. He had a small face. _A face that smiles often. A kind face._ Doyoung made a mental note.

“You’ll be late if you keep staring,” he said as he offered his hand to lift Doyoung up.

_He’s tall._ Doyoung observed as he stood up in front of him. He smelled like brewed coffee in the morning back at home. 

“Is this really okay?” Doyoung asked, holding the offered jacket. _It’s okay to receive things from strangers in case of emergency,_ he convinced himself.

“Sure, of course. I offered it.”

“How can I return it?”

“You can just drop by whenever. I work part time here. No rush, ” the tall boy said, signaling to the cafe. His voice was clear. _Does a voice have color? If yes, it would be blue._

“Right. I’ll do that. Thanks a lot--” Doyoung hesitated.

“Johnny.”

“Thanks a lot, Johnny. I’ll return it. Soon.”

Johnny went back in and Doyoung sprinted towards his campus. _I’ve never seen a man that beautiful before,_ his mind was sprinting alongside his legs. He got in a restroom to change as soon as he reached his building. Then he examined himself in the mirror, draped in a denim jacket that was a little too big for his body. And it smelled like something he had known for a long time before. But he snapped himself out of it. His mind must be fooling himself. And class had started ten minutes ago.

-

“What happened to that?” Jaehyun pointed at his blue hoodie that Doyoung had placed on top of his backpack. Jaehyun, his one and only friend in this university. _A child prodigy_ , Doyoung once teased him. A year younger than him but he was already enrolled in the same university as him. They met in an English club that was designed for international students. Although he was also from Seoul, he didn’t have to experience homesickness because his family lived in the city. Doyoung has voiced out his envy but Jaehyun was able to sympathize. They just clicked somehow.

“Bumped into a man holding hot coffee this morning when I was running late for class.” Doyoung said. He didn’t look up as he was busy on his phone. Typing “Johnny” beside this morning cafe name on the Google search bar in an effort to find out anything about the man. He couldn’t focus in his earlier class because of him. The search led him to a tagged account on Instagram. Suh Johnny, the profile said. It did not have any profile picture and there were only two posts on the page with the last one dating back to a little more than a year ago. 

“What’s a flag with pink purple and blue colors on it?” He asked Jaehyun, referring to the first post.

“Oh? It’s a bisexual flag.”

_Is he? Bisexual?_ “I see.”

“Why?”

“Nothing.”

“My mom’s driving by. Do you want a ride home?”

Doyoung smiled and politely declined. “Say hi to your mom for me.”

“Sure. See you around, Doyoung hyung!”

Doyoung shouted, “take care!” as Jaehyun got in the car. In fact. Doyoung could not wait to go home himself. He planned to play the song that this Suh Johnny person posted on his Instagram a year ago. _You’re stalking, Doyoung._ He made a self remark. Stalking was against his life principles but the denim jacket covering his body lent by the boy/man made him feel something. He did not even know how to define what the feeling was. He only knew he couldn’t shake the stranger’s smile off of his mind.

-

Having washed himself, Doyoung lied on his bed with his phone in his hands. He had already prepared himself for this moment. This song must be important enough for Johnny that he decided to post it on his page. _Right?_ He asked his own shadow. 

Ah, it’s a song by a Japanese band. He closed his eyes to really listen. The song sounded sad, tragic even, but he couldn’t understand the lyrics. 

He dialed Yuta’s number.

“Helloooooooo,” Yuta said in Japanese, sounding cheerful as he had always been. “How can I be of help, Mr Kim Doyoung who now lives in Chicago and always feels homesick?” he teased, followed by a loud cackle.

“Shut up. I’m sorry for laughing at you at that time, okay? I didn’t know homesickness would feel like this!”

“Yeah yeah.” Doyoung knew he must be rolling his eyes. “What’s up, annoying brat?”

“Do you know a song by King Gnu?”

“Which one?”

“The hole”

“Ah yeah, great song, that one.”

“What’s that about?” 

Yuta explained. Doyoung listened, nodding to himself. 

“Have you tried watching the mv?”

“No.”

“Well, you should then. Is that it? Calling me just for this?”

“Yeah” Doyoung laughed. “Have a nice weekend! Bye, Yuta. Never stop being annoying!”

Doyoung’s fingers hovered over Youtube to search for the music video of said song. But a KakaoTalk message chimed in before he was able to press play. 

_“What song is today, DY?”_

Without any second thought, Doyoung replied, _“The hole - King Gnu.”_

Doyoung waited for a reply but it never came, so he went back to the previous application. He hadn’t expected the video to start like that, so he closed it. His heart was drumming inside his ribs. _Why? Why is it even beating so fast?_ _It’s just kissing, right? Right._ J still didn’t reply. And Doyoung’s curiosity had hit the roof. So he decided to continue watching the video. 

Once the screen faded to black, Doyoung lied still on his back, holding his phone on his chest. Eyes wide awake staring at his bedroom’s ceiling. He had questions. Too many questions. _Why did Johnny have this on his page? Why did he listen to this song? Is he okay?_

He reached his phone and sent a text to J.

_“have you listened to it?”_

J did not answer the question, instead, the reply that he got was:

_“what would you say if we meet tomorrow?”_

_“okay, i got nothing planned this weekend”_

_Wait what?_ Doyoung was hit by the sudden realization of what he just sent: he was going to meet a stranger. In Chicago. _Why would a sane person do that?_

The plan had been settled. Doyoung had prepared himself with ideas. He would let the stranger wait and hide himself somewhere in the cafe. If that J person turned out to be a creep, then he would just run back home. Fine. 

-

Tomorrow came fast enough and it snowed in Chicago. The weather had gotten colder and the wind blew a little stronger than usual. Doyoung, dressed in all black and a white cap, had found a place in the cafe to hide himself. _This is the most fun I’ve had in the last four months,_ he wrote on his notes application. However, his mind could not stop replaying the song and the tragic mv, could not stop thinking about the bisexual flag, about Johnny and his smile and his tall body and--

_“hi DY, i’m sitting by the window. black hoodie and black jeans”_

Doyoung looked around and let his heart drop to the floor. 

It’s _him_. 

Johnny from the morning cafe. Johnny, the tall smiling boy/man who lent him his denim jacket. Johnny who was so beautiful that Doyoung could barely focus in classes. Johnny who posted a bisexual flag with no caption. Johnny who uploaded a screenshot of the sad song. Johnny. 

_Johnny is J? I have been texting with him all along?_ Doyoung jumped from his seat and walked towards the door and ran from the cafe. _What was going on?_ His phone vibrated on his hand and it’s from J. _“You didn't come.”_ Doyoung ignored it and kept running.

Another text came in. _“I saw you leave.”_

_“Sorry.”_ Doyoung sent.

And he never got a reply back.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _king gnu - the hole_ is the song for this chapter.
> 
> yeah, what a song!!!


	4. where have you been?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter warnings:**  
>  _Mention of someone’s passing_ , not a character nor anyone related to character. But it relates to how a character views things in his life. So, if you don’t feel okay with this, please kindly close this tab. And I hope your heart is eased from any pain.  
>  _Implied homophobia_  
>  Although character(s) might not be aware of any of that due to the very heteronormative circumstance they grow up in.  
> Also, when you’re young, you’re bound to make mistakes. From which you’ll learn and grow, right? 
> 
> **Chapter note:**  
>  This chapter contains so many scenes where they just _talk_. Don’t blame me. I’m sorry! They’ve been _typing_ the whole time they know each other. So now, talk! Talk is what they’re gonna do.  
> A little chapter spoiler: they’ll listen to a song in this chapter. And it’s Baek Yerin - Popo (How deep is our love?) 🍃
> 
> **Disclaimer:** It’s a work of **fiction** set in an **alternate universe** , so of course, this does not reflect what really happens in real life.

It was already decided: he could  _ not _ let  _ this _ happen for another day. 

Doyoung left the hall as soon as he finished answering the one and only essay question on the exam paper; he mentally forced himself to feel confident about what he had written. For some unknown reason, Johnny wasn’t there to take up the entire space of his brain. Unlike how it had been the last couple of days.

In the campus’ restroom, he pulled out Johnny’s denim jacket from his backpack and put it inside a paper bag. 

He promised he was going to return it today. In other words, he needed,  _ wanted _ , to see him. Not getting texts from J, or  _ Johnny _ , was something peculiar in his life. It was his very own fault anyway. But still, it was weird. 

He still remembered the cafe where Johnny worked. How could he not? It was the first place where he met the stranger. The  _ hot  _ stranger who had been there throughout his emotional rollercoasters. 

As always, walking with his phone in his hand, he let his fringe fall and cover his entire forehead. Doyoung had a habit of licking his upper lip whenever he got serious. Like now, he was serious in trying to text J, or  _ Johnny,  _ telling him that he would like to give his jacket back. But there was still no sign of a reply. He scrolled up and up, 

_ “sorry. i ran away. i was totally shocked.” _

_ “johnny”  _

_ “your real name is johnny” _

_ “mine is doyoung. kim doyoung” _

_ “you don’t ask but today’s song is separation anxiety - nell” _

_ “today’s song is home to you - sigrid” _

_ “fine. that’s fine if you don’t wanna talk. but are you okay, johnny?” _

That was a row of texts coming from himself. All unread. 

He was getting worried.

Once he arrived in front of the cafe, he took a deep breath and brushed his bangs from his forehead. The door opened with a creaking sound that itched his ears. A normal customer would order something but not Doyoung, he went straight to the barista behind the counter to search for “Johnny.” who wasn’t even there. He ended up with a cup of black coffee in his hand. He didn’t even drink coffee but leaving a cafe empty handed was against his life principles.

So, Johnny wasn’t at his job. Doyoung went straight back to his housing. 

And then the cycle would be repeated the next day. Texting him, waiting for him to reply, going to his job, finding him absent, and then going back home. Repeat.

He kept wishing he’d have another chance to see him. Even just once would suffice. Once would be enough to thank Johnny for helping him get through his lonely nights. 

Besides, Doyoung missed talking to him. 

Another besides,  _ Johnny is a hell of a good looking man  _ who was able to wake something up inside him.

-

This time, Doyoung took a different route from his usual endeavour. He walked to  _ the _ bench, the one where he first found the QR code. For no reason at all. 

_ Sometimes people don’t need reasons to do things.  _

He sat and took in his surroundings, cold and lonely. That was his first winter away from home. Colder. And lonelier. He propped his elbows on his thighs and let his face fall on his hands. The thing was: Johnny still refused to get out of his mind.  _ If this isn’t homesickness, what is it this time? _

“Why do you always sit on this bench?”

Doyoung remembered the voice. He looked up and found Johnny standing in front of him. Black jeans, brown sweater. The same Converse shoes.

“H-how do you know I'm here?”

“Depends. How honest do you want me to be?” Johnny said as he sat down next to him. Hands inside his jeans’ pockets. Legs stretched forward.  _ Long, long legs.  _ Doyoung gulped at the sight of Johnny’s thighs. Johnny’s back rested on the bench, his head thrown back to look at the grey sky, exposing his long neck and sharp jawline.  _ Beautiful.  _ Johnny looked just as good as Doyoung had last seen him. 

“Just be completely honest then.”

“Well. . Let's just say I’ve seen you here so many times before. How do you think my note was taped on this bench?”

Doyoung slowly turned his head to look at the taller man and couldn’t stop his jaw from dropping wide. “What??”

“Long story short, I used to see you sitting here alone, looking super sad. And then, I just. . . had an idea?”

“Are you serious?”

Johnny laughed. A hearty sound that Doyoung would like to keep inside a jar and replay it for the rest of his life.  _ A jar which shines every time it’s opened.  _ Like the one he’d seen in Disney films when he was a child. “No, I was just joking.”

“Gosh! I thought you were serious!”

“Well. Actually, I was. Do you really think I would go around sticking my kakao code on some random benches?”

Johnny turned to his side to meet Doyoung’s eyes, smiling. It was their first time to actually talk  _ talk _ but it was so easy. As if it was something that they had always done for a lifetime.

Then, it was back to complete silence. Except for the sound of the wind blowing lightly around them. Cold. Putting his hands inside his coat, Doyoung straightened his back and stared at the white ground beneath his feet.

“Sorry. For not turning up last time.” Doyoung said. 

“I’m sorry too, for not texting back the past few days.”

“Where have you been? If I may know, that is.”

“It’s a long story.” Johnny sighed and put his hands under the armpits of his sweater. He blew the cold air like a little kid playing with soap bubbles.

“I’ll listen.” Doyoung eyed the tip of Johnny’s nose which had become fully red. Probably because of the cold.  _ Why wear only a piece of thin sweater?  _ Doyoung nagged inside his head.

“Someone passed away.”

There was a numbing, ringing sound passing through his ears. “I’m so sorry, Johnny.” 

“She’s not a family member or anything. She’s someone I grew close with in the elderly home where I volunteer. She had no one else. So we held a small funeral and I had to do boring admin things,” Johnny chuckled, looking down at his shoes. “She was abandoned by her family, I guess. She didn’t even remember if she had any,” he said, and then kicked the snow pooling in front of his shoes. “Growing old is scary.”

_ Growing old is scary.  _ Doyoung repeated inside. He turned around to face the man. 

“I’m so sorry, Johnny. I’m sorry for your loss.” Doyoung hugged him and rubbed his hands on his back. Hoping it would soothe him, though he doubted that it would.

“Thank you. I hate it when I see people alone.”

Doyoung did not know how to respond.

“Your body’s so warm.”

Johnny’s comment startled him, causing him to let go of the hug, “sorry. I didn’t ask you first--”  _ before hugging you, _ he meant to finish before he was cut off by Johnny’s warm hug.

Johnny tightened his arms around him. _ Nice. I love this.  _ Doyoung thought, inhaling Johnny. A familiar scent mixed with the smell of ice. “I like  _ this _ . I like you.”

Doyoung felt his body stiffening in the man’s arms. 

“What. . Was that-- was that serious?” 

“Yeah. Why would I joke around about that? I like you ever since I saw you here for the first time.”

“No, it’s just--”  _ It’s the first time someone has ever confessed to me,  _ Doyoung continued inside his head.  _ The first time he saw me here?  _ Too many questions. Too many new questions. He would get back to that later. But.  _ Johnny likes me? _

“What about you, Doyoung? Do you like me?”

_ What are you supposed to say when someone asks if you like them?  _ Doyoung looked around to search for an answer. In the trees. In the sky. In the snow.  _ Do you like him, Doyoung? _

“Yeah. Yeah.”  _ Is yeah, yeah the right answer? _

“Can we kiss?”

“Yes.” He replied faintly. His cheeks were burning red. Everything in him was getting hot. “But not here? Not in public. Can we go to your place?” Doyoung swallowed. He swallowed nothing. 

-

Once they got in a taxi, Doyoung’s head lost all its weight. It felt so light it could fly with just a small huff of breath. He suddenly grew a pair of wings. His feet wouldn’t know how to touch the ground. He could fly. 

_ We’re going to kiss. How does a person kiss another person? Would it be too embarrassing to search for a kissing tutorial on Youtube now? Johnny is going to kiss me? Or I kiss him? We’re going to kiss. God.  _ Doyoung looked at the streets. All covered in white. Then tall buildings. Tall buildings, he could climb them. He could even  _ fly. _

Doyoung remembered the music video. He would ask Johnny about that later. But he remembered that. Boys kissing. Men kissing. A man kissing a boy. A boy kissing a man. They kissed standing up. They kissed lying down in the bathtub. They kissed. Doyoung didn’t realize his hands were covering his face.  _ Why is it so hot here in the taxi? Has Johnny turned into a fireplace? _

“What song is today, DY?”

“Huh?” 

Johnny let out a small chuckle. And repeated the question, “what song is today, Doyoung?”

“I don’t know,”  _ don’t ask me. I can’t think. My brain is no longer inside my head that’s why it’s so light. _

“Can I share mine?” Johnny said, handing out one ear of the airphones. The white cable. It was connecting them together. Ear to ear.  _ I like music.  _ Doyoung remembered the first day they texted. Their shoulders brushed against each other. Doyoung was shaken by the touch.  _ Are human bodies electric? _

And then the song was playing. A sweet voice of a female singer. A love song.

_Yes, Johnny, you can. You can walk with me. You can have tea with me. You can do everything with me._

Doyoung tried hard not to smile. He rolled his eyes, intoxicated. He faced Johnny and found him smiling at him. Doyoung smiled back.  _ I’m going crazy. I think I am. _

“We’re here.”

“We are?”

-

Johnny told him he normally took the stairs because he liked the feeling of exhaustion, easier for him to drift off if he’s tired. But today, he said, _today_ _we are taking the elevator._ _Yeah_ , Doyoung agreed. _I can’t wait either._

Inside the elevator were just the two of them, enveloped in silence and so much tension. Doyoung looked down at his shoes then at Johnny’s then at the floor then he looked up to see the CCTV. He couldn’t face Johnny. His face was burning. 

-

Johnny grabbed Doyoung’s head as soon as the door to his flat clicked close. Being smashed to a cold wall had never felt so good. Bergamot. That’s Johnny’s smell. Like his room back in Seoul. Then their lips touched. Sloppy. Cold. Dry. Then soft. Warm. And wet. Johnny’s lips tasted sweet, like sweet honeydew melons he ate in summers. The juicy ones.   
__  
Is this how a kiss is supposed to taste?   


Their lips kept chasing each other like it’s a race. _But it’s a race where nobody loses._ Doyoung opened his lips to breathe but Johnny bit and chewed his bottom lip. Doyoung could only hum in pleasure. Johnny's hands were holding his head like he was afraid it was gonna fall off. _It already has._ Doyoung was grabbing the air, then he was grabbing Johnny everywhere, arms, head, shoulders, hands, and hair. Everywhere. His spine arched. Then they stopped. To breathe. Their foreheads glued together.

Doyoung laughed. Johnny looked at him. And then he laughed along. And it was Doyoung’s turn to grab his head and to kiss him. His eyes closed. His lips moved based on instincts and primal needs. He opened his mouth and graced his tongue across Johnny’s bottom lip. And then upper lip. Johnny moaned his name. _I made him sound like that?_ They kissed. And kissed again. Then they stopped. Because Doyoung was sweating in his coat. So he took it off. And they moved to Johnny’s bedroom. Walking and kissing. Walking and kissing.  _ Flash news: Heaven is found in Chicago.  _

-

“Is this-? Who is this?” Doyoung found a picture of a boy sitting on a bench alone plastered on Johnny’s bedroom wall. Shot from behind. His shoulders were slouched. The sky was blue. The trees had no leaves. The ground was a mix of red, yellow and brown. 

“I really don’t want to sound like a creep but that’s a photo of you I took one time.” Johnny said as he changed himself into a loose white T-shirt.

“My goodness.” Doyoung laughed. Fully laughing.  _ What is going on? Did heavens send Johnny especially for me or what? _

“Told ya. I saw you there a lot of times. Every time I rode my bike from class to my part time job, I’d always,  _ always _ see you there. And I thought it was kind of scenic so I took a snap.” They were now sitting together on the bed. “Sorry. I should’ve asked first. But I can throw it away if you don’t want me to keep it?”

“You can keep it. I like it. It’s beautiful.” 

That day, Doyoung learnt that Johnny was into photography. And that day, Doyoung learnt that he was into Johnny who was into photography.

-

Weekends were still spared for family calls. But that Sunday was a little different. Doyoung was having a late breakfast in his room at around 10 am when his mom called. It was very late in Seoul. Putting his phone against his glass of orange juice, he took the call and said hi. Seeing his mom lying down on the family couch was something that Doyoung always found endearing. He missed that couch.

“How’s finals? It’s semester break soon, right?”

“Final’s fine, mom. I’m doing better than mid term, at least. Yes, and break’s in a week.”

“You may fly back home if you want?”

Months ago, Doyoung would’ve said yes right away. But he had changed. He wanted to know more about Johnny. He wanted to spend time with him. He wanted to spend time kissing him, hugging him, lazing around with him, cooking with him, watching/ignoring the worst rated movies to go back to cuddling and kissing with him. He wanted to listen to music with him. With Johnny. He wanted to do everything with Johnny.

“I’d really, really love that. But I’ll have to go through jet lag all over again when I’m back. And the break’s not that long, so, maybe next semester?”

“That’s fine. I’ve just. . . been missing my youngest son a little more than usual. But maybe it’s because I’m alone at home.” His mom chuckled but Doyoung could hear her pain.

“Where are dad and hyung?”

“Dad’s still on a business trip for another few days and it’s hyung’s girlfriend’s birthday today so he’s out.” 

_Hyung’s girlfriend._

“Sorry. I’ve been busy so I haven’t checked in with you all that much.” Doyoung said, feeling guilty.

“Ah! You’ve been busy! Have you got yourself a girlfriend, son?”

Doyoung felt his heart shake.  _ Not a girlfriend, mom. And, son _ . Yeah. A nice reminder. _ He is a son, it’s  _ normal _ to expect a girlfriend from your son, right?  _

“Mom, I’m here to study,  _ duh _ . No time for that kinda thing.” Doyoung pretended to laugh. He lied. His brain wandered back to a boy named Johnny Suh. To their lips that just fit together perfectly. His heart broke. He must be disappointing his mom and dad. And hyung. But that’s something to be addressed later. Or maybe never.

“Who knows? Mom and dad met in our first semester. You’re turning nineteen soon so it’s normal to date around.”

“Yeah.”  _ Except my mind is stuck on one person only.  _

“But, if you really really get a girlfriend. Let mom know? I’d love to meet her!”

“Sure, mom.”

Doyoung nodded and they said goodbye. 

He felt like crying. And for the first time, it was not because he was feeling homesick.

It was because he lied to his mother. 

-

Doyoung had been staying at Johnny’s flat for a while during the break and it was almost time for Christmas. They let songs play from Johnny’s bedroom while they sit in the kitchen to have breakfast.

“Is there something on my lips or?” Doyoung wiped his lips as Johnny kept staring at them. 

“No, just thinking. How can anyone see those lips and  _not_ want to  _eat_ them?” 

“Blah blah blah.”

“I’m serious. They’re so cute. Is it wrong that I want to keep kissing them?”

Doyoung’s face felt hot.  _ Can words burn? _ “Is this how you usually talk, Johnny?”

“No. But why??? I’m just admiring what I see. You can’t blame me.” Johnny clicked his tongue, winking and throwing finger guns at him. Laughing, he finally turned his eyes away from Doyoung’s lips and began eating.

What Johnny didn’t know was: Doyoung thought exactly the same way. But Doyoung would never admit that out loud. 

“Right. Should we go back to bed after we finish this?”  _ So we can kiss again _ . But Doyoung didn’t say it aloud. As always. 

_You can’t blame me either, Johnny._

-

Johnny’s bedroom was not that big. Inside it were a bed enough for two in the corner, a mirror in the front of it. A dark brown two-door wardrobe in another corner. A small desk in between the bed and the wardrobe. On the bed were two white pillows, a grey sheet and a grey blanket. And JohnnyDoyoung. Yes. JohnnyDoyoung. No space between them.

Earlier, the taller man had suggested that they watch a movie. A Christmas one, he settled. However, as soon as the characters were introduced, they went back to kissing.  _ Does everyone else kiss as much as we do? _ Doyoung wondered. 

“It's calm.” Doyoung said. Fingers tracing Johnny’s veins in his arm.

“What is?”

“ _ Us _ . When I'm with you. It's calm.”

“Is it a good thing?”

“Yeah. Very good.”

“No butterflies in your stomach? Like, I don’t make you feel breathless at all?” Johnny chuckled, softly brushing Doyoung's cheeks with the back of his knuckles. “You know, they say being with someone you like makes you feel lots and lots of things? Don't you feel any of that?”

“No. Just calm. I like calm. I've been searching for that. I'm done with racing heartbeats. I don't like being breathless. I've had enough of all that whenever I'm feeling homesick. I like this. I like us. I can finally breathe.”

Johnny didn't answer, instead, he pulled Doyoung into him. They started breathing in sync. As were the beats in their hearts. Everything was calm.  _ Being with someone you like is supposed to be calm and peaceful. And it's also supposed to help you breathe, right?  _

Doyoung lied on his side. His eyes were adoring the man who was also facing him. But there was something that he had wanted to ask for awhile. He reached for Johnny’s ear and began caressing it. Johnny’s heartbeat was calm under his arm. 

“Your parents . . Do they know that you're. . . going out with me? I mean. .” He paused. “I’m a boy. . or a man, whatever.”

“Yeah. My parents know you. They know I'm bi. Your parents don't?”

Doyoung only shook his head.

“They don't know you're going out with me?”

“No. We never talk about this kind of thing? I mean, we did. Talk. About me getting a girlfriend. My brother once had an acting gig as a,” He stuttered, he couldn’t bring his mouth to say it, “as a. . gay boy. . . but it was brought up only once. And it wasn't a good convo either. Very uncomfortable.”

“And what about us?”

“What do you mean?”

“Us? Will your parents know about us?”

“They can't know. We'll keep this between us. They won’t like it. I'll just disappoint them if they know.” 

“Right.”

“Right?”

“Yeah right. Okay.”

They hugged. They kissed. And smiled. They only stopped kissing to laugh. And to sleep. Doyoung was the happiest person on earth.  _ Is there a Guinness World Record for the happiest person on earth? I should get that. _

-

It was on December 23rd, he was on his computer, checking out Christmas gifts he could buy for Johnny and his family. That’s when he heard the message tone. From him.

It was a text, typed in formal Korean language. The language people use to speak to someone they don’t know.

_ “Doyoung. I wanted us to last. But I am very scared. You will go home to Seoul and leave this all behind as soon as you finish school. I respect you. I do not want you to disappoint your parents. So I think we should end it here before I get even more attached than I am right now. Thank you for the time, for letting me love you.” _

Johnny’s voice saying  _ “growing old is scary” _ played in the back of Doyoung’s mind like bright flashing lights. So blinding that Doyoung could feel himself spiraling into nothing. 

It’s just. . dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps: in this alternate universe, we don’t know airpods! I want them to sit so close together because they need to share the earphones. Say no to airpods! 
> 
> The only reason I can update so fast is because chapters 1-4 are already done in my drafts. I think there will be one chapter left (or two, if I want to post an epilogue), but yeah. I’ll be focusing on school papers first before I continue this fic. (But at least, I’ve had the ending written out, hmm, roughly.)
> 
> Kissing strangers? Hmm.... Comments? Thoughts? I’m always happy to talk! ☺️


	5. does he make you happy?

“Are you doing fine, son?”

“Yes, mom.” 

Doyoung lied.

He finally had the courage to turn his phone back on five days after the text. He reread Johnny’s last message over and over until he memorised every single word that was there. _Some things become less painful not because they hurt less, but because you get more used to the pain._

The following day was spent sitting on his study chair going through his phone gallery: pictures of Johnny sleeping on his side with his mouth slightly open, Johnny drinking his coffee, Johnny back-hugging him in front of a mirror, Johnny cuddling him half naked and half blanket-covered. And many more. 

On December 31st, he sent a reply to Johnny’s text: “ _I understand. Thank you. Hope you live a happy life.”_ A new-year wish for Johnny.

For himself, he wished everything hadn’t ended too soon, he wished he hadn’t fallen for the man that fast, he wished he could’ve gotten back a part of himself that he had given away.

-

Two weeks after, Doyoung was walking his way back to his lecture building. What he could conclude from the short break: homesickness was more bearable than heartbreak. He tried to use Johnny’s advice: feelings are meant to be accepted instead of defeated. How ironic. The advice didn’t work anyway. For this matter, Doyoung would rather have his feelings defeated, because accepting them turned out to be something a lot more difficult to do.

That afternoon, the side of the roads were covered in snow but the street he was walking on was clear and the world around him had somehow quieted down. He turned up the volume of the music blasting in his ears through his earphones, thinking how he no longer had anyone to share his music with.

His phone buzzed, a message from his Japanese friend, Yuta. He texted to wish him a Happy New Year and a happy life in Chicago. Doyoung snickered and typed his reply, _“it’s already June, you're so late.”_ He joked, of course it wasn’t June yet. Another reply came in: _“truly the annoying brat that you are. you didn’t even wish me a happy new year”_ Oh. Doyoung finally realized. That was correct. He only sent two texts during new year--one for his family and one for Johnny. 

Before he typed his reply, his body knocked over someone. “Oops! Sorry.” the voice said softly. 

A familiar voice.

And a familiar scent.

It was Johnny in front of his coffee shop.

Doyoung stood still unable to move. It was as if someone sucked his blood dry. His feet turned cold. His hands even colder. 

Johnny’s eyes were the first things Doyoung looked at. They were still the same honey eyes he had remembered. Doyoung gulped. 

He also had dyed his hair black, and it was shorter too.

_To show that you’re over someone, cut or color your hair._

He had moved on, Doyoung hadn’t. 

“Sorry, Doyoung.”

 _For what exactly?_

“Please take care and pay attention to the road next time?” 

Doyoung said nothing and continued walking. He clenched his fists and forcefully kicked a ball of snow on the side of the road closer to his class.

-

He slung his backpack over his shoulders once his last class was dismissed. The night had started when he left his campus building. For the second time of the day, he bumped into a random man somewhere along the road of his department, “hey, watch out, man!” To which he shouted back with a clear and loud “fuck off!” 

Doyoung had never cursed at other people before.

Quietly, he just walked. He walked with no one else beside him. He walked on his own in the cold of the night. And unlike any other nights before, no earphones were seen dangling from his ears that time. 

Doyoung let his mind wander wherever it pleased. 

Deep down, he wanted to vent to someone about the chaos inside his brain, but he couldn’t. Who should he turn into? Noone. Noone knew about him and Johnny. Johnny used to listen, but he’s gone. And he was the one who created the chaos. Obviously he couldn’t pour his heart out to his mom, his dad nor his brother. Johnny was a secret Doyoung never let anyone else know.

_A heartbreak is painful because it’s a battle we have to fight on our own._

Somewhere along the road, Doyoung suddenly stopped his steps. His gaze was fixed at the road in front of him, dark, cold and lonely. Just like him. He looked down at his unmoving shoes. Everything suddenly felt too overwhelming and heavy. As if something huge was holding his feet from moving forward. 

He crouched down and let himself drop to the freezing ground. Tucking his head in between his hands, Doyoung tried to breathe. But he couldn’t. His chest felt too full with all the millions of emotions it tried to contain.

The night was quiet. 

The only sound heard was when Doyoung finally let out a small sob. And the small sob eventually turned into a small cry. And it didn’t stop. He let himself cry for a few moments. It was a quiet one, but it was loud enough for himself and the night to hear. 

On the count of five, Doyoung got up and wiped his eyes and his nose, whispering to himself, “this will pass.” This will pass, he repeated.

Putting his hands inside his pocket, he continued walking without looking back.

-

But Doyoung was like a human balloon, with too much emotions inflating inside him, he was due to burst anytime soon. With a tiny needle touch, he finally did.

It happened on Sunday. 

Sundays were for family catch-ups as usual. His mom, dad and brother were on the other side of the line. They were smiling and laughing on the screen of his computer; his mom looked happy snuggled between the two big men--his dad whom she loved and his oldest son whom she cherished. 

They looked complete and whole.

Meanwhile, Doyoung was alone and broken.

With everything that had been going on, Doyoung found it hard to even pretend to smile. But at least, he still made an effort to do that.

Until--

That same topic was brought back. 

Although jokingly, it was able to finally break his walls down to useless remains. 

“Stop!! Will you all please stop asking me if I have a girlfriend?!” He screamed, crouching down beside his bed.

“Doyoung?” He didn’t know who was speaking, he wasn’t looking at them anymore. “Just cause hyung has a girlfriend doesnt mean I need to have one too!”

“You’re shouting now and mom can’t hear you if you shout.” 

But Doyoung couldn’t hear either. He stood up with his head thrown back, looking at the ceiling to stop the tears from falling. 

“It’s all your fault. Look at you guys smiling and laughing together at home while I’m here suffering all alone!”

“Doyoung ah, can you sit back on your chair?” 

Doyoung didn’t even realize he was standing up. 

He searched around the room for a place to sit down. There were so many things he could sit on, but his mind was clouded so it took him awhile to reach his chair.

When he finally sat, he brought his gaze down at his fingers. His chest was unevenly rising up and down. 

Noone dared to speak a word.

“Sorry.” 

“Now explain.” His mom’s voice was stern and it made him shudder. 

With his eyes still glued on his fingers, he began to confess. “I lied. I lied when I said I don’t have time for that thing. I did like someone.”

“Great! So why are you angry now?”

“That’s,” Doyoung paused. He wished telepathy existed so he didn’t need to use his tongue to say it aloud. “Because that someone is not a girl. It’s a boy. I lied because I know you will be mad like how you were at hyung with his film.”

Everyone looked at him. The four walls of his room looked at him. It felt like he was being judged for the worst crime that he had committed in his life.

There was a long painful silence. 

All of sudden, everyone in the world seemed to forget how to speak. 

“That time,” His mom started, “we were afraid. Even if it was just for a film. Society can be so cruel. I don’t want any of my sons to suffer from people’s judgments just because of who they choose to love. Don’t you understand?” 

Doyoung kept silent.

And then his dad began to speak too. “Doyoung, listen. We were wrong. Who cares about the society, right? We should be the one protecting our sons.”

Doyoung finally looked at his screen. 

His mom’s eyes were red. His brother’s eyes were on the table. Only his dad looked at him.

“So what do you say?” he paused to breathe, “if I like a boy?”

“It’s up to you.”

“Will you keep us a secret?”

“No. But does the whole world need to know?”

Doyoung didn’t know how to answer so he chose to zip his mouth shut.

“So,” his brother finally spoke. “What’s his name?” 

“Johnny.” 

“Right. This Johnny guy. If he does you wrong, I’ll fly there to kick his balls.”

His mom slapped his brother’s shoulder at his comment and they were back to laughing. Doyoung finally smiled. 

“Congrats I guess?” His brother added. “Finally, you have someone to shut you up with kisses.” 

Doyoung murmured, “I shut him up too, you know.”

The whole family erupted into laughters.

His mom answered, “Well, he’s such a lucky boy then. We’ll see you two when we have time?” 

Doyoung didn’t know the answer to that because he hadn’t spoken to Johnny in weeks. So he just answered with a simple “thank you and sorry for shouting earlier.” 

Before they hung up, his dad asked him.

“Doyoung ah, does he make you happy?”

Doyoung gave a small nod. 

“Good. That’s what matters the most to us.”

-

Doyoung woke up at dawn feeling better, as if something huge had been lifted off his throat. He got up from his bed and headed straight to the shower. His classes on Monday would not start until noon but he would appreciate soaking himself with water just because. 

Standing in the shower, he just let the water run through his head to toe. He needed the cleansing after what happened last night. He felt guilty for lashing out at his entire family but he also felt relieved he did that. Otherwise, everything wouldn’t have happened and his family would still be kept in the dark about what was going on. When he wrapped himself in a towel, he decided that he would let Johnny know. Soon.

-

After the bi-weekly meeting with his English Club, Doyoung and Jaehyun sat together with their legs crossed on the floor of the university hall. Jaehyun was telling him about the classical music concert he went to with his parents and grandmother on the weekend. Doyoung listened to his story while flipping through the pages of the university’s graduate prospectus that he randomly picked up somewhere he didn’t even remember. 

When Jaehyun asked him what he did over the weekend, Doyoung brushed it off with a small _nothing much_ and followed it with a long silence. Jaehyun gave his knees a little nudge, “come on, tell me more, hyung.”

Doyoung rolled his eyes and decided to spice things up. 

“Hypothetically speaking, would you kiss someone you just met?”

“If they’re Oh Sehun from EXO, I would.”

“Jaehyun.”

“Doyoung hyung.” Jaehyun echoed his tone. “You said _hypothetically_ , so I answered, _hypothetically_.”

“Touché.” Doyoung slurped his bottled water. “But what if it’s not Sehun from EXO? What if it’s just some regular student who works part time in a coffee shop or something?”

“Depends on how horny I am. If I’m so horny and the stranger is so hot, I definitely would. Why? Did you _hypothetically_ kiss some regular student who works part time in a coffee shop?”

Doyoung didn’t answer but he felt his blood shooting up to his entire face and ears. He thought back to Johnny’s long exposed neck, Johnny’s long legs and Johnny’s _huge_ thighs hugged tight by his jeans on the day they sat on the bench. He remembered his red kissable lips. He remembered his strong arms hugging him. He remembered every single inch of the boy’s electric body. Horny _._ That was probably it. 

Jaehyun moved closer to examine Doyoung’s expression, eyebrows knitted close together, smirking. “You did.” Jaehyun rolled himself on the floor. “You really did! I thought you’re this quiet, sad boy but you beat me to it!” His laughter kept getting louder and louder. 

“Shut up.”

“So, who’s this girl who got you so horny?”

Doyoung choked on his drink and coughed. “It’s not a girl.” Just like that, it slipped off his mouth. Never had he realized it could be that easy.

Jaehyun stopped at his track; the shock opened his jaw and his eyes completely wide. 

“It’s not a girl?!” 

Doyoung hissed, looking around the hall, nodding and smiling apologetically to everyone looking in their direction, “could you please tone your voice down ohmygod.”

Jaehyun brought his hands to his hair then to his face, groaning. “Argh! fuck. If I had known you’re into guys, I would’ve hit on you, hyung. No lie.”

“Too bad I’m not into emo younger boys like you.”

“So he’s older?! You got yourself a sugar daddy?!” 

“He’s only a year older. But we’re over.”

“Ouch. . that’s sad. Now I feel bad for laughing.” He said, only to go back to cackling up. “But why is it over? You realize you’re just horny?”

“Gosh, Jaehyun. Will you please stop using that word.”

“OK. Why are you guys over?”

“He ended it. I mean, it was because of me _._ For context, he’s bi. Out and proud. His parents know about us. But I wasn’t and my parents didn’t. So I wanted to hide our relationship. And then he got scared that I’ll break things off in the end, which is reasonable, I guess? Yeah, so,” Doyoung shrugged and gulped down the rest of his drink.

“So now you’re sad.”

“Very.”

“So it wasn’t just because you were horny.”

“At first, probably.” Doyoung admitted. “But it’s more than that. It’s a lot more than that now.”

“How about now? Your parents. Do they know?”

“Now they know. But since we’re done, I guess that doesn’t make any difference.”

“Now’s your call then. Chase him or leave him.”

“I want to chase him. But I don’t know how. He doesn’t even reply to my text.”

“Easy. Just come to his coffee shop and then kiss him open on the mouth and then leave. Don’t overcomplicate things, hyung.”

“What the--”

“To quote you, I’m an emo younger boy. Do you expect me to give you some grande, eloquent advice or what?” Jaehyun laughed again, having so much fun watching Doyoung suffer. But maybe he’s got a point. Doyoung put his chin on his hands, thinking.

“You know. I think I’ll do that. Thanks!” He said, standing up from the floor and grabbing his bag. On his way out, he could hear Jaehyun laughing and screaming “Yes!! Go get that dick, hyung!!”

“Just shut up and take care on your way home, Jae!”

-

Doyoung was ready to run; just as much as he was ready to accept however things would turn out in the end. It’s a chase-or-leave case. He needed to do this if he wanted Johnny back in his life. So he started running. And for the next ten minutes or so, he did not ever stop.

He only stopped in front of the door of the coffee shop with his hands on his knees, panting and gasping for air from so much running. Completely out of breath. Without Johnny, his life was just a series of running and struggling to breathe. He stood up, looking up to the grey clouds. Then wiped the sweats on his neck with the back of his hand. He inhale-exhaled, begged his heart to stop beating so fast and let out a strong final huff of breath from his mouth. 

As he stepped inside the coffee shop, he was welcomed by the warmth of the room, which he gladly appreciated. The place was filled with the smell of coffee. Inside was rather loud with the sounds of grinders and spoons clinking against cups, glasses and plates. Doyoung glanced around and noticed that the tables were mostly occupied, several groups of friends chatting and laughing with each other. 

There were three people waiting on the queue line in front of Doyoung. And thankfully, nobody was behind him and he secretly wished nobody else would come in. It was hard not to look at Johnny who was behind the counter, so he threw a glance at him. Black hair, a bit longer. Looking fine as ever.

Doyoung looked down at his shoes with his arms crossed over his chest, his fringe falling smoothly in front of his eyes. He put his hands inside his pockets. Not knowing what to do. So he started counting inside his head. One, two, three until twenty. At least, that gave him a little distraction from the nerves that were messing him up in his system. 

Doyoung’s heart started beating faster the more he got closer to him; he could feel him in the air already. Johnny’s veiny arms came into his view and suddenly the memories of those arms holding him in his sleep began fogging up his brain. He missed those arms around him. Strong, naked, and warm.

But the moment he locked eyes with Johnny, his heart stopped beating.

“Doy--” He captured him. Perfect. An open-mouth kiss. Doyoung let the tip of his tongue touch the taller boy’s. It tasted like coffee. Then he stopped. The kiss lasted less than seven seconds--Doyoung was counting inside.

“You? Kissed me in public?” Johnny asked, almost like a whisper, but Doyoung didn’t utter a word and kept standing on his tiptoes. Instead, he just let his hands stay on the older boy’s face a little longer. The cheeks were warm against his palms. Doyoung smiled seeing them slowly turn into pale, rosy red. 

Just like that, he walked towards the door of the coffee shop, leaving Johnny and the kiss behind. That was the first time he had ever left a cafe with empty hands, but then again, he left the cafe with a full heart. That’s really all that mattered.

As soon as he reached his room, Doyoung dropped his backpack on the floor and then himself on the bed. He didn’t bother washing up nor did he even bother to take his socks off. He grabbed his pillow and put it on top of his head. _Don’t overcomplicate things. Don’t overthink._ That night was silent, and he slept like a log with nothing to worry about. 

-

The following morning, he jolted awake remembering what he had done the day before.

Kissing him in public without asking first. Stupid. He could already feel it in his skin that Johnny would scold/remind him about the importance of consent. So he got up from his bed to go straight to his phone inside his bag, to apologize. 

Except, he was welcomed by a series of messages coming from the man himself.

_“Thanks for coming by.”_

_“And for the kiss too.”_

_“But remember: consent is important.”_

_“And I need to know what’s going on.”_

_“Can we talk?”_

Can. We. Talk?

Doyoung took a long, deep breath and started jumping on his feet. Then he threw his body back into the bed, curling and folding himself into two halves, phone in his hands close to his chest. 

_“Yes, Johnny, we can.”_

He pressed send.

-

The day when they met again, it was done in the cafe that was quite far from his place. He did not know how he came to choose that place. 

The older had arrived earlier than him, sitting on one of the stools by the window. 

Overlooking the streets and the passerby roaming around, the smaller boy put his hands under his thighs and swayed his body in his seat back and forth. He couldn’t stop bouncing his legs either. He felt small compared to the man beside him who seemed to have grown a lot taller than the last time they were together. 

In fact, Doyoung felt overwhelmed by his presence. It’s too much for sitting beside a man whose every inch of the body he memorised like the back of his own hand. The problem was: neither of them was willing to speak up. 

Doyoung wished he could be swallowed alive by the silence instead.

Minutes passed and still, nothing happened, which was not how he expected this meeting to go.

“We need to talk.” Doyoung finally dared himself to take the lead.

“Uhuh. We really do.”

“First of all, sorry I kissed you. Second of all, I miss you so much!” Doyoung tousled his own hair and put his head on the narrow table in front of him after speaking.

Johnny, on the other hand, just kept his mouth shut and did not answer at all.

This could only mean: Doyoung totally messed up, didn’t he? But what else was he supposed to say? 

Johnny was the one who proposed that they need to talk anyway. 

But then-

He felt a hand softly ruffling his hair. “I miss you too.”

At that, Doyoung closed his eyes and a strong wave of warmth was slowly flowing from his head to his insides.

It stopped and pooled at his heart. 

A river, literally, a river ran through his body. It’s so warm, and so good. 

He looked up to meet Johnny’s eyes, “Itoldmyparentsaboutyou.”

“Sorry?” 

“I. Told. My parents. About you.”

Doyoung studied the man beside him to look for some signs but Johnny’s face was difficult to read. 

“And. .” Doyoung waited for him to continue. “What did they say about me?” Doyoung could hear the faint smile tucked inside his voice.

“They’d like to meet you. And me. Us two. When they have time, that is.” Their food arrived at the table and Johnny politely said _thank you_ to the waitstaff.

“Is that. . a good thing?”

“It is. It really is. But I don’t know. It depends on you. Are you still scared?”

“I told you I wanted us to last, no?”

Doyoung nodded.

“Doyoung, you know the reasons why I’m scared.”

“Those reasons are now invalid.”

“Are they?”

“Yes.” 

Johnny’s lips curled upwards into a smile and he pushed the plate close towards the younger boy. “Let’s eat first.”

-

By the time they finished eating, they had also finished catching up on each other’s lives. Johnny had asked him about how it was going with classes and Doyoung did ask if he enjoyed Christmas at home, which sent Johnny into a coughing fit. It was so bad that Doyoung had to leave his seat and ask for a glass of water from one of the waitstaff. They talked about everything else in the world except the state of their relationship, which was fair, Doyoung assumed. 

It was already dark when they stepped outside the cafe. They started walking to the direction of the station where they would need to separate later and Doyoung had his hands tucked inside his jeans, trying his very best to stop himself from climbing the man beside him. He had missed him a lot. He stared at him a few times and wondered how he looked more beautiful than last year in December. 

“You’re staring,” Johnny said. Doyoung then drifted his gaze away from him and settled with staring down at the pavement and at their shoes walking in sync side by side. _I’d walk the longest road in the universe as long as I could see your pair of shoes walking beside mine._

Johnny must be thinking about something inside his head too, but he didn’t dare to ask because he felt like he deserved all the silence the man was giving him. But, there was one thing. 

One only thing that he wished to get from him that night. So, Doyoung stopped walking, which then also stopped Johnny from walking. 

“Johnny.”

“Yes?” 

“It’s my birthday today, can I at least get a hug?”

“I really hate it when you do that.”

“What.”

“When you pout!” Johnny started laughing and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, one arm around his neck and the other settled into his tiny waist, “how can I resist a pouting baby? You know that’s my weakest point.” Johnny said with a muffled voice, his squeeze got tighter with each word that came out of his mouth. “I know,” Doyoung said, locking his hands around Johnny’s neck. He inhaled his scent and squeezed him even tighter in return. 

They hadn’t done this in weeks but Johnny’s hug still felt the same and his smell still reminded him of home. 

The taller placed his chin on top of Doyoung’s head and hummed, he said “happy birthday, Doyoung-ah.” 

Doyoung hummed back and said, “thank you.”

Johnny didn’t reply with a word, but with a soft caress on top of his head. They swayed gently from side to side--the people passing them must have thought they were slow dancing in the dark.

“I don’t bring any gift. Is it enough if I give myself back to you?” 

“That’s so cheesy but if you insist. Yes. You’re all that I ask for, actually.” Doyoung chuckled at himself. Because that’s equally as cheesy. He felt Johnny’s heart beating faster and faster against his chest. He wondered if his own heartbeats can be felt by Johnny too.

They said goodbye and went separate ways at the station. Doyoung got on the train biting his bottom lip, trying very hard to fight a smile from appearing on his face. 

That day was the longest day they had spent side by side without kissing. 

-

Around three weeks after Doyoung’s birthday, Johnny’s mom invited them over--to celebrate Johnny’s belated birthday, which actually was eight days after Doyoung’s own. Crazy--the amazing type of crazy. Johnny begged him to say yes to the invite even though Doyoung did not intend to say no anyway. He came with three Christmas gifts which were supposed to be given back in December. But, things happened and Johnny’s mom understood without needing him to explain any further. 

After dinner, they were lying in Johnny's childhood bedroom. Johnny did make some comments about how he lied down a lot more than he usually allowed him to ever since they got together. Doyoung echoed his sentiment, saying lying down was his favorite hobby and that he would drag Johnny into it no matter what. The older boy pulled him close and laughed at his remark, his laughter vibrated against Doyoung’s chest. And Doyoung wished he had the magical jar ready to absorb that sound and seal it for himself forever.

Johnny stirred to his side to look at the man lying on his arm. “What song is today?” 

Doyoung hummed in response and then flipped himself over on his stomach. He propped his head in his hands, elbows on the bed to support his body and legs swinging in the air. Instead of saying what song he had in mind, he continued staring at Johnny’s face and kept smiling. Johnny got up to give him a quick peck on the lips.

_He really thinks the key to my locked lips is his kiss._

_Well. He’s not wrong._

“Today’s song. .” Doyoung finally said, fingers playing with Johnny’s hoodie’s drawstrings, “It’s _I remember_. By Mocca.” 

“Never heard of that before.” Johnny confessed as he opened his music app on his phone.

Doyoung lied back down on Johnny’s arm.

“Found it.” He said, pressing play on the song.

As _I Remember_ was playing in the room, Doyoung was snapping his fingers and bobbing his head to the rhythm of the song. He sang along to some verses with a voice loud enough to be heard only by the two of them. 

“Burglar? I am not a burglar?” Johnny raised his eyebrow, questioning the lyrics of the song. Doyoung moved to lie on his right side, looking up at the man slightly above him.

“Yes, you are. You robbed my heart.” 

“Corny.”

“You like that.”

“A lot.” Johnny said as he lifted Doyoung’s chin and pressed his lips on the corner of Doyoung’s mouth, “I like you” then he kissed his nose, “a lot.” 

Johnny nibbled at Doyoung’s lower lip and top lip respectively. The younger boy hummed in bliss, enjoying every bit of taste Johnny was giving him.

Johnny’s fingers were slowly stroking Doyoung’s hair when he asked, “do you still feel homesick?”

“Homesick? What’s that?” Smug was clearly present in his tone.

Johnny pinched his lips hard and playfully jabbed his ribs as a response. 

Then Doyoung lifted his body on top of Johnny, legs to legs and chest to chest. His fingers ran through Johnny’s soft hair. He pressed their foreheads close together, smiled and then swiped his tongue across Johnny’s slightly parted lips. “ilikeyousomuchtoo!”

He licked Johnny’s lips again.

And then-

“Yah!! Kim Dongyoung!!” Johnny yelled as he wiped his nose, “how many times do I need to tell you to stop licking my nose!!”

Feeling satisfied for successfully annoying his boyfriend, the international student threw his body back to the bed, cackling with laughter like he had never laughed before. And then he stopped laughing.

“Homesickness begone! Cause you,” he grabbed Johnny’s hand and began throwing kisses to each of his knuckles, “are my home.”

“That’s super cheesy.”

“You can directly file the complaint to my boyfriend, Sir. I got it from him.” 

At that witty remark, Johnny pulled him by the waist and began tickling his stomach. Doyoung wriggled in his hold and laughed and screamed _Youngho hyung!_ and pleaded that he stop. 

Johnny did stop, eventually, and they were both panting after laughing too much.

“Your parents must think we’re crazy.”

“Don’t care,” Johnny said nuzzling up against Doyoung’s neck, “hmmmm but, I have one secret to tell.”

“Which is?”

“A few hours after you first texted me, I ran so fast to the bench to get my note off of it. Thank heavens no one else beside you saw that.”

And then Doyoung burst into laughter. He laughed so hard that he rolled off the bed holding his stomach and wiping his tears.

-

_“Doyoung ah, does he make you happy?”_

He made him more than happy. He made him feel full, safe, and content.

.

.

_end_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> self-indulgent fic that i wrote just bc i was feeling homesick and the pandemic just makes it worse.
> 
> a little something from me:  
> if you feel that it's unfair for johnny to break things off like that in the prev chapter and also for the things that happen next, you are valid.  
> but, i promise, i promise johnny has reasons and doyoung knows and understands that.   
> i hope they stay strong even until doyoung finishes his undergrad. maybe he'll even stay for another two years for grad school? we never know. but now, they like each other so much!  
> anyways..  
> thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos, commenting, bookmarking or even subscribing to this story.  
> i'm still learning/trying to write. this is only the third work of fiction i've ever written in life, and english is **not** my first language.  
> if i were to be completely honest, i'm not happy/confident at all with what i have here. also, i don't even have a beta. so, if it’s **very bad** , just forgive me for stealing your precious time ~  
> cheers!
> 
> ps: totally unrelated but i love the meaning of johnny and doyoung's birth flowers 🍃


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